Mike Causey

Heavenly Reading

For many of us the good news is that today is Friday. If you could use a laugh at the end of the workweek, check out Senior Correspondent Mike Causey\'s notable...

Federal News Network Staff

April 11, 2008 4:00 am

3 min read

Newsletters aimed at special interest groups often have a gloom-and-doom quality. Readers are repeatedly told they are being had, have been had or about to be had by the (fill in the blank) enemy de jour.

Newsletters that target feds often have a combative tone. But there are some notable exceptions. Like the “State of the Union” newsletter published by an NTEU local in Denver. Jon Rogers is editor and Mary J. Wright is chapter president.

This week’s offering has a very, very funny collection of fractured church announcements. They call it “Church Ladies Speak or Why God Created Editors!” Here are some examples. Read them to a coworker. If either of you fail to laugh, at least take each other’s pulse:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
Don’t let worry kill you off — let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I Will Not Pass This Way Again’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and the deterioration of some older ones.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning…all ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge — Up Yours.”

Can you top this?

Oversight Overkill

Yesterday’s column about abuse of government purchase cards prompted lots of mail, including this one which adds some perspective to the bad news:

“Lord here we go again. Someone got caught bilking the Government. The news folks and Congress got a hold of it and they want to tank the whole process. Unfortunately this is the standard reaction to this type of abuse. When I started in 1985, procurement was cumbersome and lengthy. It involved things like BPA’s (Blanket Purchase Agreements), and forms done on manual typewriters.
“When the Government Purchase cards rolled out everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Procuring materials and goods became simple (and faster)… There where some innocent mistakes made that where quickly rectified and we learned as we went. The present controls in place at the IRS make abuse of the bankcard system almost impossible. If one was to try to cheat the system it would involve multiple approvals at multiple levels well up into management.
“The Washington Post reported the (current) abuse reached the $2 million mark, out of $20 BILLION expended by the program, which represents abuse by a fraction of the many honest feds (who use the cards). Installing additional layers of control will only steer us back to the days of BPA’s and 1334’s again and the circle is repeated.” J in Kentucky

Nearly Useless Factoid

Thanks to the world’s most powerful laser, Wired reports we should start getting used to new words. Two of them are “petawatt,” a quadrillion (1,000,000,000,000,000) watts of power, and “femtoseconds”, 10^-15 seconds. “Petawatt? I shouldn’t even be doing this!”

To reach me: mcausey@federalnewsradio.com