If you want to drive a (reputable) financial planner nuts, tell him or her that you want an investment with zero risk and a very high return. Think about it, if they had one they wouldn’t be wasting their time counseling you. They would be off collecting Fabergé eggs or riding to the hounds or whatever it is rich people do.

So what’s the equivalent of a secret, super-safe but also make-you-rich investment? I call it the Me Health Plan. And it goes something like this:

Now that my kids are grown, I wish my health plan had a single option. That is one for single people who don’t (anymore) have children with ear-aches, broken wrists, broken ankles, or other more serious and costly conditions.

I used the heck out of my health plan back then. I admit it. But now that I don’t have those responsibilities and obligations, I think I should be let off the hook.

What I need is a health plan with low-premiums, designed for, uh, a mature man. And it should have free treatments for male pattern baldness.

What I need, what we all need, is a health plan that covers all our known (or potential) needs. But one where premiums are low, because I don’t need well-baby care (anymore) or maternity benefits (any more) or stuff like that. In fact I don’t need any kid stuff or female problem cures (any more).

Many feds agree with me about the merits (now) of a tailor-made health plan. And they are mostly working folks without children or retired people whose children are now working folks.

Shout Outs from the Mailbag

• While we appreciate having FEHB for life, it would be nice if the premiums could include rates for self plus one as well as self and family rates. We are both retired with our children out of the coop, and every penny counts. Judy from Colorado
• We are a couple who chose not to have children. I resent having to pay the same “family” premium that is charged a family with 5 or 10 kids. Why should we pay because others choose to pop out kids? No Name, Please.
• While I was working, my husband and our children used our federal health plans many benefits. But now that we’ve retired, and the children are gone, we still have to pay the same family premium. It doesn’t seem fair. M.S., Centreville, Ohio.
• I am 23, healthy as the proverbial horse and take good care of myself. Why can’t I be rewarded for my good habits. Instead I must pay the same premiums as an office mate who has an unhealthy life style, is grossly overweight and is constantly sick or seeing the doctor. Ben R.
• Mike, Just think of one thing. Uncle pitches in 72% of the cost so total cost of this great coverage is over $15,000 a year. Seems with the large numbers covered we should be able to get a better deal. My wife and I are covered as “family”. Cost will be over $ 7,500 each next year. Coverages are adequate but cost seems pretty steep to us.

Nearly Useless Factoid

According to the International Dairy Foods Association’s 2006 cheese sales and consumption factsheet, “by far the two most popular single varieties of cheese in the United States are cheddar (10.4 pounds per capita) and mozzarella (10.5 pound per capita).”

To reach me: mcausey@federalnewsradio.com

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