Preparing for a government shutdown is time-consuming, stressful and costly. Millions of workers must be notified of their status (work or go home), work must be prioritized, offices shut down then reopened, etc.

One of the big furlough-related problems is letting workers, and the public, know who is essential and who can be spared. But like most seemingly tough problems, the solution is childlike, which is why I thought of it first:

Solution: Uniforms for feds.

Or better yet, armbands! That’s it, armbands! They are cheaper than uniforms and not so Orwellian.

The government could issue colored armbands showing the status – keep or toss-away – of each civil servant. Red, white and blue would seem to be naturals. But since the colors have been politicized (red for Republicans, blue for Democrats, white for virgins) they are out. But…

How about this:

• Puce-colored armbands for those who must work during a shutdown. This is the perfect color since nobody can agree on what color puce actually is, just as it is hard to figure out why some people’s jobs make them essential.
• Green armbands for those who must come to work only to be sent home because of a shutdown. The green would also symbolize the fact that furloughed employees might not get paid for their enforced time off.
• Gray armbands for feds whose jobs may or not be essential to public health, safety or national defense but who will work because their jobs or their agencies are funded by fees from customers or operations they oversee.

Red, white and blue sounds good now, because we have lived with it for so long. But if this catches on, within a few years (especially in the DC area) people will sing proudly and fondly of the puce, green and gray.

(The fact that my brothers are opening a Puce Factory in Bowling Green, Ky., has nothing to do with the above suggestion. In fact I forgot about it until just this minute.)

While we are waiting for the Puce-Green-Gray armband idea to catch on, here’s how some of your coworkers feel about their shutdown designations:

• “I think the essential and non-essential status is an interesting question. In my IRS post of duty (small), none of us that I know of were essential. (Criminal Investigation might have been, but I didn’t talk to any of the guys there.) So our office would have been closed completely, including taxpayer service. However, I understand from the guards at the door, ALL of Social Security were essential and they were going to be open for limited services and limited hours. If all of Social Security was essential, then why were they having limited services and limited hours???? How essential is that? We collect money (mostly – most refunds are already done) and Social Security hands out money. Who is more essential? I just don’t get it.” Linda in Montana
• “I am a long time fed, and long before I found out whether or not I am ‘excepted,’ I called for a real shutdown of the federal government, not this 800,000 crap. If they want to use the word, ‘shutdown’ then shut it down. Except for life-threatening services, pull the plug. For example, no passengers on airplanes except medical emergencies, no planes at all except military. That will open some eyes! Of course, the air traffic controllers will still need to be there to direct the military, but no corporate jets either! Inconvenience a few CEO’s and the stuff will hit the fan. No mail via jet either. No Fedex, no UPS planes. SHUT IT DOWN!…If Congress was included in the shutdown, agreements would be reached in record time.” Paul at the FAA
• “I met up with one of my cousins this past weekend. She is a new Federal employee. She works for the Dept. of Homeland Security, in a section that does research for Immigration and Naturalization of DHS, for new immigrants that want to become American citizens. I asked her what she thought of the Congressional circus and all of the drama over ARE WE, or ARE WE NOT going to be working next week. She said in a matter-of-fact tone that she did not have worry. Come again?!! She said again, she did not have to worry about that because she would be working anyway. So I guessed that she was one of those DHS ‘excepted’ employees. ‘Nope,’ she said. ‘No, I’m a fee-based employee. As long as we are generating fees, then we are BETTER than excepted employees!!’ I think we have a new, 3rd category, FEE-BASED Employees.” David H.
• Finally, from Laura at the IRS, this comment: “In our part of the government, the longer you had worked for the agency, the more unessential you are/were?”

May the Puce be with you!!!

Next stop: FY 2011 one last time?

What next? So what are the odds of another shutdown effort. What impact will the new budget have on federal workers pay (a 5 year freeze?) and retirement benefits. Today at 10 a.m. on Your Turn with Mike Causey, we’ll talk to Federal Times editor Steve Watkins about things to come for feds and retirees. So listen if you can, call in (or email questions or comments) if you like.

To reach me: mcausey@federalnewsradio.com

Nearly Useless Factoid
by Suzanne Kubota

A fifth grader with no hands has won a special award for penmanship in the National Handwriting Contest.

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