It’s January, and time to check the batteries in your B.S. Meter! Because…

Did you hear the rumor that your retirement plan is soon to go bye-bye? Or that your pay and pension benefits will be frozen, if not cut. Or that you’ll be furloughed or fired, or forced to quit or take early retirement. It’s all B.S. (bad stuff)!

At the other end of the extreme-rumor-scale is an oldie but goodie which says Uncle Sam wants you out so badly he will give you a bonus, and add 5 years to both your age and service time. If your B.S. Meter didn’t bleep, it needs new batteries.

If any or all of the above sound too good (or bad) to be true, that’s because they are. That is too good or too bad to be true!

In fact, those rumors have been around so long that your one-time GS daddy or long-retired civil service aunt would recognize them. But each new generation gets its baptism in B.S. rumors.

The rumors come in different flavors, or are packaged differently. Sometimes the names (or numbers) that are the “basis” of the false reports are changed. The idea is to keep them current. What they all have in common is two things: First, they are false and silly when you analyze them. Secondly, they keep on coming.

Test your BS meter on the rumors, such as:

The fake “news” story which warns of a secret congressional plan – covered up by the media – to force feds out of the old CSRS retirement system and into the newer FERS retirement plans. Failure to convert means you would either be burned at the stake or forced to read the Congressional Record for a month. No government, not even ours, is that cruel. Or stupid.

The logic behind the convert-or-else rumor that CSRS costs the government more than FERS. Many experts dispute that. Even more important is the fact that lots of current and retired members of Congress and staffers are under CSRS. They aren’t about to change it. Whether you are under the CSRS blanket, or covered by FERS, that’s where you will end your federal career.

Other rumors deal with impending furloughs (remember last year?) or fears that Congress and the White House will freeze federal pay raises. Or retiree cost of living adjustments for economic reasons. The last time a pay freeze was proposed (by President Bill Clinton) Congress overode it. Nobody has proposed it since. The January 2009 pay raise went off, as promised. Here’s what it looks like: The 2009 Federal Pay Spread

COLAs for federal-military and Social Security retirees are guaranteed by law. If the cost of living goes up, retirees get a raise. This year it was 5.8 percent, the highest since 1982. If the cost of living goes down, retirees might not get a raise, but their current benefits would not be cut. Here’s how that works: COLAs and Deflation

Other things that didn’t happen last year – rumors notwithstanding – were layoffs and or buyouts in the Postal Service and other agencies. Nor did President Bush (as some feds warned) deny workers a bonus holiday around Christmas. It happened.

There are plenty of things to worry about. But when it comes to job security and stability, feds are, compared to just about everybody else, in pretty good shape!

Nearly Useless Factoid

The Department of Defense wanted a “world-class stink bomb, a violently potent, no-kill weapon all but guaranteed to make enemies drop their weapons and run away.” According the MentalFloss, Dr. Pamela Dalton at the Monell Chemical Senses Center in Philadelphia rose to the challenge. Her “stench soup” is described as smelling “something like a putrescent corpse… laced with rotten eggs and overripe fruit. Only worse.” Which reminds me: I need to empty my gym bag.

To reach me: mcausey@federalnewsradio.com

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