While scripting a sci-fi horror flick for feds – something like Freddy Krueger Meets Psycho on Mars – I came up with the following story board outline:

First, to get people’s attention you threaten to freeze the audience’s salary. For good measure you make it a two-year freeze. Then they’d pay attention.

Then you announce buyouts and layoffs in one of the largest federal operations – the U.S. Postal Service – to get it off financial life-support. Or not. Either way, all other civil servants would start wondering if their non-profit (which is most federal operations) is next.

Next, impose an across-the-board 10 percent job cut. It would have two-fold results: hamper/streamline (choose one) performance of many programs, and narrow the promotion pipeline many had hoped to use to circumvent the pay freeze. It would also produce a major hue and cry from politicians and pesky taxpayers who would demand that key services they want and need be exempt from any cuts.

Sic tough outside debt collectors (who are allowed to do things IRS folks can’t do) to collect back taxes. As an incentive, give them a cut of everything they collect. The fact that it’s been done, then rejected before, will be lost on the producers.

Change the formula so that federal workers, postal employees and retirees would have to pay a larger share of their health premiums.

And last but certainly not least, change the jewel in the federal benefits crown: The retirement program. Run legislation through Congress that would produce smaller benefits in the future. At the same time require federal and postal workers to pay more (in the form of payroll deductions) for those smaller benefits. In the past, the federal retirement program has often been a target, but it has remained untouchable partly because of very good lobbying by pro-fed, pro-retiree groups and because members of Congress are under enhanced versions of the CSRS and FERS plans. Most current members of Congress are already vested in the CSRS or FERS programs so they would have little to lose if changes are made. And many newly-elected members of the House and Senate say they have no interest in retirement benefits because they plan to return home after they have saved the nation.

There’s only one major problem peddling the script as sci-fi horror. That’s because it is either already happening, or in the works.

So what are the odds any or all of these things will happen?

Today at 10 a.m. EST we talk to the experts. Steve Watkins, editor, and Steve Losey, who covers personnel matters, from the Federal Times will join me (and you) on our Your Turn with Mike Causey radio show. The subject is you. What’s likely to happen, what will it mean for you, etc. We’ll have experts on Congress, federal benefits, Defense, you name it. It’s your call. You can listen on your computer at www.federalnewsradio.com or, in the DC area, on the radio at 1500 AM. If you have questions for our experts e-mail them to me: mcausey@federalnewsradio.com or call in at 202.465.3080

Nearly Useless Factoid
by Suzanne Kubota

Slate.com reports “nine of the top 20 serial killers in the United States, ranked by body count, are known by three names.” Which would mean 11 aren’t.

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